June 5, 2008

Random thoughts

If I was a beautiful, rich actor/musician/celeb I think I would have the self-awareness to admit that it would be nearly impossible for me to stay married forever, especially to another person like me. "You and I are just too self-centered, rich, beautiful, egotistical, and selfish to have any hope of lasting in a union that half the normal people in the world can't even make work."
Don't you have the same reaction when you read of the latest celeb wedding that you do when the short, fat, white kid in your primary class tells you he's going to play in the NBA someday? "Oh you naive soul, how are you so blind?" (Hypocrisy Disclaimer: I married my wife 4 days after meeting her)

I'm all those bad things enough as it is, but can't imagine how much worse i'd be if I were beautiful, rich, and most importantly, worshiped by everyone at every turn.

On the flip side, you've got to give major, major props to the .03% of celebs who stick it out. Must take amazing discipline and goodwill.


I think horses are about the weirdest, prettiest, gracefulest animals out there. The other night we went to an equestrian tournament to watch our friend's horse compete. That's the thing where horses jump over the hurdles. It was really cool. It was beautiful to watch these huge, magnificent beasts sail over 5 foot hurdles with perfect grace (surpassed in elegance, perhaps, only by the architecture of my dad's hands). Wish I was a horse. Here's a pic of us at the event (sorry we didn't think to take any of the event itself) with Jill, Rachel, and Eric.

Davis, you can skip the obvious joke about a horse being in the picture. That's me. And there's nothing I can do about having a long face except for face-widening surgery, which i've looked into and is very expensive.

Anyway, bottom line: horses are cool. Maybe instead of spending billions of dollars figuring out how to convert corn and grass into car fuel, and how to keep the spent emissions from ruining our planet, we should just go back to riding horses. They just eat the stuff and poop it out. No questions asked.

Too bad Piggy didn't know to control Big Jim.

I can't imagine anything more terrifying than being attacked by a large shark in deep water. But i've already promised myself if this ever happens to me, and I have nowhere to flee to and death is imminent, I'm going to gird me loins and face the thing. I'm going to gnash my teeth, curse angrily and swim toward the monster with every intention of destroying it as with the same ferocity it means to dish me. I won't go out scared and screaming. I'm going out swinging, eye gouging and gill ripping. I'll end up dead, but the wounded, toothy bas@#$% will wish he had chosen the seal. It's the thought of this future battle that gets me up in the mornings to work out, and that helps me treat my wife like every day with her is my last.
I hope I can keep my promise.

Oh, yeah, same deal if I'm ever taken by terrorists and they want me to make a contrite, weepy video.


I used to really, really like and admire Obama (the man, not the policy maker). Now he really annoys me. His actions and rhetoric are turning me more and more to the opinion that he's not much more honest or sincere than the rest of them (and I don't hate politicians as much as everyone else, so it's not the worst thing in the world, but Obama-or his followers-need to drop the illusion that he's the people's pure-hearted, altruistic tribune. He's a politician. He's an extraordinarily ambitious and egotistical person, like everyone else at that level. Period.) I hate that every relevant concern about him is off limits, because he says so. There's no legitimate qualm; only fear mongering, distractions, and politics as usual. Vomit. Or maybe it's his disciples that are starting to get on my nerves. Dude can do no wrong. Come on. I was highly enthused about Romney, but he could and did do wrong. Now, I'm for McCain. He does wrong. No one's perfect. Except Obama. I can only take the aura of holiness so long without starting to dry heave. Maybe I'm too cynical.


I hear the word "stalking" used in popular culture now with a softer meaning relating to curiosity, nagging, etc. ( e.g. "blog stalking" or "my mom is totally stalking me about the wedding date"), as opposed to the original meaning that lands the practitioner in jail. Yeah, well I just want everyone to know that I'm the one who invented and propagated that softer definition. True story. Created it 7 or 8 years ago to fill what I saw as a sad void in the English language to describe a certain behavior, and people looked at me like I was crazy. Could be a remarkable case of parallellism, where some other dude in Kansas City and a lady in Tokyo invented the same definition and it spread from them as well, but I doubt it. I feel like I should be making money off it somehow. Anyway, you can tell people you know the dude who invented it, and that a kid from little ol' Farmington Utah's word caught on much better than Paris's "that's hot."


As a history major graduate, let me tell you about the worst deal ever made in history. Circa 1993, JoLynn Bell agreed with a local farmer to have her tender, young boys haul 5,645 hay bails, weighing in at 235 lbs. apeice, from one location on his farm to the other (all the while the author and Davis had the misfortune of having to double up to lift one bail, while younger Helga and Olga, the farmers daughters could each handle one alone. Ryan, with his betard strength and advanced years, wasn't so humiliated) for an afternoon. The 96 degree temperature and the author's deathly hay fever didn't make the occasion any more comfortable. I still have deep gashes in my hands where the weight of the hay pulled the thin twine through the house servant flesh (My mom sent me without work gloves).

But in every deal you give something but get something good in return right? Here's what we got. In exchange for this slave labor, the farmer gave me dear mum a huge truckload of manure for her big garden. Guess who got to unload and spread the manure? Good joke, Mom.


Eliza said...

wow you just have my number, you make me laugh so hard! I have totally thought that before about celebrities, and lets be honest you do think your that beautiful and awesome, don't give me this If I were... crap ; ) Secondly I agree horses are gorgeous amazing animals, but I am so scared of them, they just make you feel totally powerless, then add toothless, weird, creepy brandon in the mix and I'm one anxiety attack waiting to happen. and LOL about the long face joke. and another LOL about your hay/manure experience, so glad I wasn't there. thanks for making me laugh.

Eliza said...

okay sorry its me again, but I forgot to say that I totally agree with you inventing the stalking thing. seriously. I remember using it all the time after you introduced it to my vocab and people would stare at me thinking I was meaning the real, binocular wearing, creepy stalker, not knowing I meant the funny, cute, adorable, little sister who is interested in her big brother's dating life.

Christian said...

Piggy, you and Brandon didn't get along for the sole reason that he's a Basque and you've never been able to understand the Basque culture or values. Your bad, not his.

And, no I don't think i'm anything close to beautiful. I overcame that delusion years ago after seeing to many pictures of myself. I do feel I cut a pretty figure when I'm wearing my rust top, though.

But i'll admit, sometimes I feel awesome. Whenever I'm on a river or jumping over high things or getting that window cleaner than anyone else in town can, i feel my greatness. It feels like something poking me softly in the back. Or like the whispering the people on the island in Lost can hear in the woods. Hard to explain.

Tris & Ken said...

Christian! Is it true you and Rebecca only dated for four days?? I don't remember this part of your story. I remember alot of your other stories--like your finding your wife in the tanning salon, something about losing your keys and food for a ward activity, etc... but the four day thing. Is that true?? We miss you guys! and we think that Oliver is the cutest thing around!

Jo said...

Christian! You are truly hilarious! LOL's all over the place-- especially the last part "Guess who got to unload and spread the manure?" I laughed HARD.

Plus I loved reading all of your "random thoughts". So fun and interesting. Keep 'em coming!

Jana said...

Chris, back in the day it was my duty to put you in your place. So it's hard for me to say this...I think you may be right about starting the colloquialism of "stalking". There, I said it! Also, JoLynn is brilliant.

Andrea W. said...

Oh my, so funny, Christian! You kill me. I was trying so hard not to laugh loudly because everytime I did my kids inisted I tell them what was so funny, it was getting really tiring. I laugh so hard picturing you and Davis struggling to lift bales of hay while girls your age or younger? were throwing them with no problem. LOL. also your comment about the rust top KILLED me!

Greg said...

Got your back on stalking and several other word inventions. Really an amazing verbal talent. Seriously!

If you don't soon change the wallpaper on your blog I'm going to steal that white Land Rover which comforts Ollie so much.

You're probably one of the world's most fascinating random thinker...no doubt about it. Although you've got to give Dave some real guest appearance credit for wondering why big raindrops don't squash insects.

Totally agree about going out fighting with terrorists rather than kowtow.

No pity on the hay deal. It was a soft life you had with only intermittent, very intermittent, challenges, writ large by your legendary legendizing. Who knows the truth of any of your past now that you've moved it into your lore.

You need to write more. It's just awesome stuff for the rest of the world to read. It really is.

Matt said...

Big cat this blog hurt me badly. I still tell my sunday school teacher i'm going to play in the NBA and we don't like short and fat just call us husky.

Lindsey said...

wow- I learned a lot about R's hubbie by these thoughts. Mainly that you must be my husband's long lost twin. I swear he has had several of these exact same thoughts. Especially the shark- he loves to talk about his imagined fight with the great white.
And he has also invented several words that nobody gives him credit for.
We should totally come visit you guys. Rebecca has invited me twice now. One more time and I am going to take her seriously.

Lindsey said...

by the way- you seriously need to let it go. 1993? let it go, dude.

Ben & Brynn said...

Sounds like JoLynn made a great deal...for her! Who knew Aunt JoLynn could be such a wheeler dealer! I am going to have to start taking notes.

Jordan said...

Couldn't agree more 'bout Obama, bro-in-law. I think the straw that broker the camel's back (for me, at least) has his statement that his wife was "off limits," even though she'd spent the last 9 months stumping on his behalf. How can he make that statement and honestly expect people to take him seriously? You're right on - all the presidential candidates have flaws, yet he seems to be the only one unwilling to recognize. Those who blindly follow his charade are going to severely disappointed if he makes it to the White House -- ee can't possibly live up to his own hype.

Christian said...

Tristan, great to hear from you guys! No, we didn't really get married in 4 days, but it was fast (6.5 months after meeting)

Jana, I know how hard that was for you to say that, so from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

Bullshark, a husky guy with your speed has more than a good shot at the NBA. We both know that.

Lindsay, good to hear i'm not the only one mapping out what I'll do when i'm shark attacked. It's like the Don't Do Drug folks tell you in elementary school: you just have to make the decision now so that when the time comes, it's an easy choice.

Jordan, ditto, ditto, ditto on Michelle being off limits. WHAT!?!? Is he retarded? What's next? "no, no, you can't talk about my VP running mate. He's off limits. He's a very nice guy and I don't want anyone talking about him."
Give me a break.

Davis said...

1. Totally. I remember when Kevin and Britney got married, I thought, "It's amazing that there are only two people on the entire earth who don't realize that this thing is going to end soon, and badly. And they happen to be the two people getting married." I've thought about starting a website where two engaged people can send a link to their friends and family, who can vote anonymously on whether or not they think the marriage is a good one. Gives the people involved some perspective, you know?

2. I agree on horses. Imagine what the Native Americans must have thought when the Spanish and the Portuguese came flying up the beach on horses. Must have freaked them right out.

3. Also agree on the sharks and the terrorists, though sometimes I wonder if I'm giving myself too much credit since sometimes I can't make myself do far less scary things. Random thought: remember Cameron Earl trying to make himself do some rope trick at the gymnastics place in Springville? So funny.

4. Not sure I'm with you on Obama. I agree he's probably kind of arrogant, but I think they all are, especially McCain. He has his faults, but I think he's more reasonsable and acting with more good faith than most politicians on the scene.

5. Stalking is a great, great word, and I hate when I have great words or phrases that others don't know. One example is "Meow." Offering a little "meow" when you're embarrased or caught red-handed perfectly conveys the emotions associated with those occurences. However, most people don't understand it. I hate it. You and Brian Tait have a special talent for inventing words and nicknames and phrases that perfectly represent a feeling or emotion or event.

6. Just a horrible, humiliating experience all around. You forgot to mention that the father of this family loved hectoring and insulting us as we struggled to keep up with his hearty daughters. Honestly, what a nightmare. When Greg and Jo are in a rest home I'm going to rent them them out to a farm for a day and see how they like it.

Sara said...

Yes!! I found you! Thanks for commenting on Rebecca's blog. I was hoping you would show up somewhere!

You totally deserve credit for "stalking."
You were definitely always busting Eliza for stalking. However - it was always confusing, because, while you did morph the word and give it a softer meaning, you also had a history of participating in the real thing....Do you remember that embarrassing episode in the bushes? I think her name may have been Whitney... JK (kind of)

And your thoughts on the shark - further evidence that you and my husband are the same person (which is wonderful and creepy at the same time). Just last week we were swimming in the ocean and having a similar conversation, and I told him that if a shark attacked me while he was nearby, I might be more afraid for the shark than for him or myself. He would have the exact reaction that you described. Anger gives him the physical strength of a superhero (or so his brothers claim). Should that scare me?

Word to your mom about the Horses. I'm in love.

Where are you anyway?

Jessica said...

Hey Chris,

This is your old pal Jessica Helm. The funny part about finding your blog is that I got it of Dallin's. Good old Dal. He is all linked up to the DHS reunion blog. He is definite reunion material. It looks like you have a cute little family and are doing well. It was fun to see you fam and I wish you the best!

Jo said...

LOL Davis!

Christian said...

Sara, so great to hear from you. And so great to hear Spencer has super strength when mad. If I find myself in the sharkpit someday, I hope he's by my side. How's school for him? How are you guys liking Winston? I love that place. Do you have a blog or anything? what's the address?

Christian said...

Jessica. Wow, what an awesome surprise. How are you and John? What's you blog address? Where are you guys living and what are you up to?

Yes, Dallin is in full throttle for this reunion isn't he. You student body types should just put him in charge of the next one.

Give me your blog address.

Rebecca said...

Christian, gracefulest? Gracefulest? What would Devan say? At first I read that and thought tsk tsk, but then I read the stalking part and thought, "he's probably right, he probably did start that" and then thought, "maybe gracefulest will also enjoy a quick ride to the top of common venacular." Because really, most graceful? So glad to see you and your beautiful family are doing well...

Jenn said...

Christian Stanley Bell! I can't believe I ran into you at CHURCH today (yes, in good ol' Farmington!) and totally used your "stalking" word not having read this post. When I found your page, I totally just cruised past this trying to see if it's was THE Chris Bell's Family webpage! Anyway- you are hilarious. And your wife is gorgeous. Hope you don't mind that I really will be checking in with you often- you'll be added to my fave five on my blog. Sorry- it was inevitable. You're very talented at writing. You made me think. So I must admit, one of the things I LOVE about living in F-town are the horses that live right north of Lagoon who, if you're lucky when you drive by, you get to watch them training. Horses are incredible. I love what you wrote- sorry. enough rambling. Look us up and if you ever have a free moment, check us out. (I still can't get over that my mom and I were totally blog-stalk, I mean, reading all about you guys when I stumbled upon your page like, 3 days ago and then we saw you today at church. What are the odds...)
All my best. It's fun to see you so happy and with a beautiful family.
-jenn (HESS!)

Rachel said...

Random much? We're ready for a new post!!! :)