July 30, 2008

No one rents space in my head!

At least that's what a caller told Michael Medved once (as told by his #1 Meadhead Gold Platinum Fan Club fan, JoLynn Bell. Btw, i just learned a month or so ago that the L in my mom's name is capitalized. Dis. Kind of like learning in the MTC that the B.O.M. had an account of Jesus visiting the Americas. Double Dis. Parental oversight, apparently). My mom thought that was so funny, and I did too, especially when spoken by a NY or Boston tough guy (Reba and I have actually been to NY for a few days and miss it to death! We formed such deep roots there and miss our city life and our dear, dear friends so much. But now we have a New York room in our house, and are naming our next kid Brooklyn Bridge, or Brooklyn Bridgette, if a girl) .

Anyway, point is, I was recently reminded, by some lame jokes on my lame brother's blog, of something that once rented space in--but as it turns out, not on--my head. Male pattern baldness. One day, a few months before I was through with my mission (we have a North Carolina room too. And a North Carolina back yard.) I was shampooing my hair in the shower and happened to look at my shampoo covered hands and saw a few hairs. "Weird," I thought. Sometime after I looked at the back of my head in the mirror and wondered if my natural part or cowlick or whatever you call that, was the beginning of a bald spot. Over the next few weeks I became convinced that it was. I was going bald. Fast. It didn't help that my companion was a 19 year old Hispanic guy whose hairline was locked in battle with his eyebrows for real estate. Let's call it the Spanish-Amhairican war.
The few fellow God's Army commandos I confided my woes in inspected my head and told me I was crazy. But I knew they were just being nice. Guys are pretty sweet when missionaries, you know.
But going bald isn't the biggest deal, right? Happens to a lot of good fellows. You have to understand that some dudes look good with shaved heads. I'm not one of those dudes. Under the best of circumstances, my sister in law tells me I look like the giant in Big Fish. Now imagine him with a buzz. Exactly.

Anyway, it turns out I wasn't going bald, and am still, 7 years later, keeping it real in back (Hey, we all have troops who retreat a bit in the front, right? Just to hold the line? If you don't it means you're immature and know nothing about military science, or that you just have hair plugs, like this guy). Problem solved. But I only realized this after a few months of serious neurotic misery. After that, I decided to not let anything rent space in my head.

Except Sharks. They still have a definite cubicle in there, i'll be honest.

And one corner office for rivers. I'm haunted by them.

14 comments:

Jo said...

I do love that phrase, Chris, and I'm glad you're honest enough to admit that you have an exception for sharks and rivers. BTW, they just captured an alligator in the Virgin River in UT.

It's cute and funny to hear you make fun of your episode with the baldness paranoia. It's funny now, but it was pretty sad at the time. Poor guy!

Braden and Meredith said...

OH Chris, you are making me laugh so hard. Awesome post, bro.

Andrea W. said...

SO, SO, SO funny. You get me laughing so hard! I love that you completely made up something to get all worried about. I also love your mockery of people who claim NY.

LOL on the giant in Big Fish and so many other parts. Wow, good stuff.

Eliza said...

Oh my word, seriously dying right now. the new york thing killed me, I have heard that almost exact same sentence. so sadly funny about the bald thing, wow what a headcase. was that really why you were the dead last person to exit off the plane when you came home? and oh btw, the rent space in my head was from a candid camera episode, as a member of the honored triumvirate I was there with mom and dad when we watched it and it was a NY guy who said it. it was hilarious.

Ryan said...

Funny, Kook. I was dying about the big L in Mom's name. Are you really serious that you just learned that? I can't really believe it. But, also, yes, I can. Good times about Mace and the giant. Just good times.

By the way, without cheating, tell me how many fatal shark attacks there were worldwide last year. After you guess, see my blog sidebar. And then put the side of your hand on top of your head and say 'dis.'

Josh said...

Chris, I totally went through the hair saga before my mission. It didn't help that my dad would always mention that my mom's dad was bald and every time he walked by me he would comment on some lost hair.

Davis said...

1. It's ironic that while you were going crazy over baldness that never occurred, I was 100% certain that people were full of it when they told me my hairline was receding. My baldness came like a thief in the night.

2. Dumbhud, that phrase is not a Medhead phrase. It was on a Candid Camera-type show in which the worker at a deli would do something obnoxious to the customers, I think having to do with the change he gave them.

3. Really funny on your "dear, dear friends." Love that joke.

Davis said...

4. I can never remember if Mom's name has one "n" at the end or two. And I was pretty late in the game on the capitalized "L" as well.

The Allred Family said...

Christian, your hilarious. I loved your bald spot story and the hispanic guy comment. HI-larious! By the way you DO NOT look like the giant from Big Fish. I have that silly movie and am quite fond of it.....no resemblence.

Macy said...

LOL! Very funny post Chris. I laugh so hard whenever I think of that Big Fish giant night. I don't really think you look like him btw, I just wasn't remembering the dude everyone thought you looked like from the movie, and well you are really tall and thin and that giant really stuck out to me in that movie I guess. Anyway....funny stuff.

The Lee Family said...

Christian you are so random! So funny... Oh, and by the way I am a fellow longboarder so you'll need to bring it by next time you come over and we'll try to act cool on our longboards. :) Love the interesting post...-Kristie

Jami said...

Kook, I'm seriously considering moving to Albuquerque after reading that. I need some good belly laughs in my life and you always deliver. That bit about the BoM is just too funny to be true, but I know it is. This is Layne BTW.

Rachel said...

You DO look the the giant in Big Fish! (At least what I can remember of him). Funny, funny post.

Greg said...

By the way this is your dad, Gregg. There was lots of parental oversight--the good kind. We even shielded you from knowing the meaning of a whoredom until you were home from you mission.

Brooklynn Bridgette--GLB lives again in you.

Great post!!! So funny.